Pain in the Neck
by FAH3
Summary: COMPLETE! A comedy for Halloween. A fusion of Kim Possible with Dracula and decided to dump out the drama and try and add a little comedy to it. Rated M for some raunchy humor in future chapters.
1. He Who Must Not Be Named

_Pain in the Neck_

_By FAH3_

The carriage was rolling down the dirt and stone path with an incredible speed so great that with almost every turn, the carriage itself was in great danger of turning over. Despite the few complaints from the passengers within the carriage, the driver kept pushing his horses faster and faster. Pushing the large animals almost to their limits as they began to pant heavily for breath. Normally, he would never use his whip on any animal he cared for. But the sun was beginning to set, and these lands were dangerous when the moon was out. Fearing for his life and the life of his passengers – who am I kidding? He mainly wanted to save his own skin! He used the whip to place a sting in the backs of the mighty animals as fear began to crawl up his spine and take root in his brain.

Soon, the carriage came rumbling into the small village as many of its inhabitants leapt away from its path. Seeing that he was now safe in the confines of the village, the driver pulled on the brake to try and make it come to an abrupt stop. As the carriage came to a full stop, its driver was flung head first over a pile of hay and into a fresh pile of horse manure. As the villagers gathered to see what was happening, many of them covered their mouths and noses over the stench from the driver as he wiped the disgusting matter from his face and head.

"This is the last stop until sunrise, everyone! Start unloading the baggage!" the driver called to his man inside the carriage with the passengers.

As the passengers inside the carriage disembarked, a tall and rather thin man exited as he looked at his surroundings. He wore a bowler hat along with a dark blue suit with a large overcoat. As he looked at his watch, people could see that his skin was rather pale, with a scar on the left side of his face that was directly under his eye.

"This isn't right." He said to himself and walked to the driver, but did well to keep his distance. "Excuse me, but I can't stay here. I must be traveling onward." He said to the driver.

"Sorry, but we're not going anywhere else until sunrise." The driver said as he walked to a horse troph and dunked his head in it to try and clean himself.

"You don't understand. My name is Drew Lipski and I have a meeting with a very important client. Tonight!" he said.

"Really?" the driver said as he came up for air. "Who's this man that you would so stupidly risk your life for?" the driver asked him.

"His name is Count Dracula." He said, and noticed the loud howling of wolves that seemed to follow.

"COUNT DRACULA?" all the villagers gasped in horror as the wolves howled yet again.

"That was rather convenient." Drew himself. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No, we all like to gasp for fun." A young man said.

"Sir, you must not dare go to the castle, especially at sun set! Terrible and unspeakable things happen there in the night." An older villager said.

"What sort of unspeakable things?" Drew asked them.

"If they weren't unspeakable, we'd be talking about them right now. Wouldn't we?" the young man asked.

"Quite the smart ass, isn't he?" Drew asked the driver.

"You don't have to tell us twice." An elderly lady said.

"Enough of this nonsense. I am brokering a deal with my client and I must finalize his purchase. If I don't, the deal will fall through. So I must meet with Count Dracula." Drew said and once again heard the sound of wolves howling near by. "Does that happen every time?"

"Does what happen every time?" the old villager asked and heard Drew groan in response. "Sir, is there any way to convince you not to go or wait until sunrise?"

"I'm afraid not." Drew answered.

"Very well. The home of Count Dracula is," he began but heard the howling of wolves in the distance. "SHUT UP ALREADY!" the man shouted, silencing the howling immediately. "There is the home of – he who must not be named."

"You don't mean Lord Voldemort, do you?" Drew asked in fear.

"Wrong story, pinhead. You want to get us sued?" the young man asked, keeping an eye out for lawyers from Warner Brothers.

"The Count lives up there." The old man said and pointed to an old, dark castle in the distance that had several storm clouds hovering over it.

"Oh, that one?" Drew asked.

"No. That's Castle Frankenstein." The old man said.

"IT'S ALIVE! ALIVE! AND IT GETS SIXTY MILES TO THE GALLON!" a mad voice screamed from the castle.

"Wait a minute, I thought he was trying to build a man." A puzzled Drew asked.

"He finished that weeks ago. Now he's trying to build a Frankenstein Monster Truck." A lady said.

"_There_ is the castle you want." The old man said and pointed to another castle in the distance.

The new castle the old man was pointing to was much larger than the last one. It almost seemed like a jagged weapon that had puncture out from the Earth itself. The clouds that seemed to hang over it were much more darker and ominous, with lightning striking it several times The flash of light from the lighting seemed to make it look more like a living monster that faced the village.

"Oh, t-that one." Drew squeaked. "C-can anyone give me a ride?"

"Do we look that stupid?" the driver asked him.

"Oh, come on! Please?" Drew asked, but was given no answer. "Fine!" Drew spat and started walking away. As he took a few more steps, he spun around to face them one last time. "Dracula!" he shouted and heard several howls of the wolves in the distance.

"That's it! Grab your torches and pitch forks, folks! We'll run him out of town!" the young man shouted.

"OH CRAP!" Drew screamed and began to run for his life as the villagers gave chase.

* * *

It was already night fall as a very tired and panting Drew Lipski came to the front gate of Castle Dracula. He collapsed to his knees as he wiped the sweat from his brow and tried to regain his normal breathing. As he began to feel his lungs return to normal and the burning in them die down, he looked up at the home of his new strange client.

"It doesn't seem so bad. Actually, it doesn't even look that scary."

That's when he saw the forms of giant bats flying out from the top towers of the castle and into the night, their shrieks traveling with them along the wind. The growls of several creatures that only emerged at night seem to surround the castle as several eyes in the dark began to stare at Drew like he was a tasty little snack.

"Me and my fat mouth." Drew said to himself.

As he stood to his feet, he saw the large iron gates raise by itself as the large wooden double doors slowly open to give him access. "Normally, that would terrify me." Drew said to himself. Then he heard the sounds of giant vampire bats flying over head, and some of them flying very, very low. He also heard the sounds of hungry wolves and other creatures coming closer to where he was standing. As he glanced over his shoulder, he saw several of the glowing eyes growing closer to him from the barren shrubs that were growing wildly.

"But right now, I REALLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN!" he shouted as he picked up his bags and ran screaming into the castle.

As soon as he was inside the ancient stone structure, the giant doors slammed closed behind him with every lock falling into place almost like it was clockwork. Several torches that sat within the chamber were lit one after another like a domino line, giving fresh light to the dank and murky inner chamber for the first time in several uncounted years.

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea." Drew said to himself.

"Good evening."

"AAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEE!" Drew screamed, sounding like a young girl with a scrapped knee. He quickly spun around and saw a tall, rather old, gentleman standing at the top of the stairs. He wore black slacks and a white dress shirt, with a gold medallion hanging around his neck by a blood red ribbon. A black cloak covered him at the shoulders and draped downward, almost brushing the floor.

"Enter freely of your own free will, but leave some of the happiness you bring." He said in a crisp Romanian accent.

"W-who are you?" Drew asked him as he shivered with fear.

"I am Count Dracula."

"Track you lot?"

"No, Dracula."

"Drag? You're a drag queen?"

"No. My name is Count Dracula."

"You're going to drag me behind a car?"

"NO, YOU IDIOT! MY NAME IS COUNT DRACULA! DRA-CU-LA!" the man shouted, his voice echoing off of the ancient walls. "Dumb ass." The old count mumbled to himself.

"My apologies." Drew said to him as he removed his hat.

The old Romanian count took a deep, calming breath before talking to Lipski once more. "It is forgiven." The man said in a much calmer voice. "You must be Mr. Lipski from England."

"Yes, I am. I've come to finalize your real-estate purchase." He said.

"Wonderful. Walk this way, please." The old man said as he began to walk up the stairs.

"You mean follow you, right?" Drew asked him.

"Who do I look like? Aerosmith?"

* * *

Drew made sure all the appropriate papers were all filled in the correct spots and everything was in order. As he did this, he kept noticing how his host kept eyeing him every so often. In the light of the oil lamp, he noticed how pale the man was. His skin tone was almost the same color as that of a corpse. How long has this man lived out here? Why were the villagers so scared of him? Why couldn't he ever get a date? And what was that God awful smell? Did he just fart or something?

"Everything is in order. All you need to do is sign in the spaces I've marked." Drew said and handed the papers to him. Without even glancing at the papers twice, the pale man signed the marked areas faster than Drew had ever seen in his life. He had to actually close his eyes and shake his head for a moment to make sure he wasn't seeing things. When he opened his eyes again, he saw the Count handing him the papers back.

"Well, congratulations Count." Drew said as he flipped through the papers and saw the signature written perfectly. "You are now the proud owner of Carfax Abbey in London."

"Excellent. I do so long to see London. It's streets, it's life, and people that don't chase you with torches or pitch forks all the time." The count said.

"I know what you mean." Drew said rather sheepishly. As he began to put the papers away, he heard another howl of a wolf, and without saying the count's name. He also noticed how the count was listening to the nocturnal animal with his eyes closed.

"Listen to them. The children of the night." He said with a sigh. "What music they make. Excuse for a moment." The count said as he walked to a near by window and opened it, letting the howl grow louder in volume. "SHUT UP ALREADY! I HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY DECENT REST IN TWO DAYS BECAUSE OF YOU! KNOCK IT OFF!" the count shouted into the night. This only caused the wolf to howl only louder.

"That's it." The count growled as he grabbed a stone paper weight from his desk and hurled it out the window with all his might. A few seconds later, the wolf began whimpering loudly and ran off as the count smiled and let his white pointed teeth glow in the moonlight. "That's right! You better run!"

"OW!" Drakken yelped as he felt the intense pain of a fresh cut burn through his index finger. He was so puzzled by his host's behavior, he hadn't watched where what he was doing and had given himself a paper cut. Out of instinct, he put the injured digit in his mouth as soon as he saw a drop of crimson form.

"Is everything all right?" the count asked as he appeared in front of Drew as if by magic.

"No, it's nothing. Just a small paper cut." He said as he withdrew the digit and saw several red splotches form on pieces of blank parchment he had. "Must have hit a vein." Drew said to himself.

His attention was drawn away from his injury as he heard a slight, almost lustful, moan coming from his host. He looked up and saw the count was looking at the blood stained paper with his mouth hanging open and a small amount of drool dripping out of the corner of his mouth.

"Are you all right?" Drew asked, puzzled by this strange man before him.

"Huh?

"You're – drooling." Drew said.

"Oh! So sorry. I – ah – just had dinner." The count said.

"Really? What was it?"

"Father beans and a nice Ci Ante." The pale man said in almost a crisp American accent. "Mr. Lipski?"

"Yes?"

"Look into my eyes." The count said as his iris' grew wide.

"I hate to tell you this, but I don't swing – uhhhhh." Drakken said as he became stupefied.

"You are now in my power, Mr. Lipski. From now on, you will," Dracula stopped talking as he noticed that Drew's head was cocked backwards as a loud and obnoxious snore escaped his open mouth. "What an idiot." Dracula groaned to himself. "WAKE UP!"

"Huh?"

"You will obey my," Dracula stopped again as he saw Drew quickly fall asleep and his snoring grow even louder. "You have got to be kidding me." Dracula said as he slapped Drew in the face.

"Who's there?" Drew asked quickly before Dracula grabbed Drew by the nose and made the broker look him in the eyes.

"Shut up, stay awake, and listen!" Dracula said as he let go of Drew's nose and kept their eyes locked. "I am a powerful vampire. You will serve me from now on, and obey my every command. Got it?"

"Yes, Master!" Drew said as a sadistic and cheerful smile began to form as his skin faded to a pale blue color.

"If you serve me well and don't piss me off too much, I shall reward you for your efforts."

"You mean I'll be like you?" Drakken asked as his eyes grew wide with excitement. The question made Dracula frown and his stomach cringe at the thought of this annoying geek as a vampire.

"Let's start out small. Start with insects and we'll go from there."

"Thank you, Master!"

"Now come, Lipski. We must make preparations to cross the sea."

"I shall book us passage on a plane at once."

"NO! NO PLANES!" Dracula shouted at him.

"Why not? What's wrong with a plane?" Drew asked as he became confused at his master's response.

"Two reasons. The first is that I'm scared of heights." Dracula told him.

"Wait a minute. Can't you turn into a bat and fly around?" Drew asked him.

"Yes."

"But you're afraid of heights? That just doesn't make any sense at all." Drew asked as he became even more confused.

"It's not the actual flying that scares me. What scares me is the crashing. And the burning. And the pain and the dying." Dracula said.

"You said two reasons. What's the other one?" Drew asked him.

"I like to look at the sailors when they're in their uniforms." Dracula said with a bit of a smirk as he turned and exited the room.

"Now I didn't need to know that. Yech! TMI." Drew said as his face became a frown.

"Come, Renfield!"

"Who?" Drew asked him.

"Oh, right. Wrong story. Come, Lipski!"

"Yes, Master!"

_**

* * *

**_

The Demeter; two days at sea.

In the cargo hold of the ship, a strange black box with Gothic ornaments and designs was securely tied to keep it from moving about. Inside the ominous and gothic looking box rested the form of Count Vlad Dracula himself as he a contented sigh escaped his lips. While others would find the rocking and pitching of the ship quite sickening, it actually made the ancient vampire relaxed.

"Ah, this is more like it." He said to himself. "Why, it almost feels like I'm in mother's arms again. I could get used to this." The vampire said as he tried to sink deeper into the velvet padding of his coffin. He was almost asleep when the smell of fresh rain entered his coffin through the cracks in the lid. After several more minutes, the smell grew stronger and was accompanied by a cold chill as large claps of thunder began to roll.

"Sounds like a storm is blowing in." Dracula said to himself. The rocking and pitching were going to feel more dramatic in a few moments as the seas would start to heave. It was this thought that made him open his eyes as a sudden thought entered his brain. "Did Liski remember to secure my coffin?" he asked himself. As if fate itself answered him, the sound of the rope that kept him in place snapping like a twig began to feel him with dread.

"This is going to hurt." He said as he felt the coffin begin to slide and quickly gain speed. The coffin slammed against a post before turning with the top half slamming hard against the hull, making Dracula slam his head hard against the side of his coffin despite the thick padding. "That's going to leave a mark." He muttered to himself. "LIPSKI!"

The doors to the cargo hold were flung open to reveal the mad smile of Dracula's mad lackey, the flashes of lightning revealing the dark storm clouds and torrents of rain outside the ship. A sinister laugh escaped his clenched teeth, making him sound more like a rabid hyena than anything else. He immediately saw the predicament the old vampire was in and flung himself down the steps until he held onto the coffin as tight as he could.

"Don't worry, Master. I have your coffin; I'll keep you safe." Drakken said with a sadistic smile.

The smile soon vanished as the ship began to pitch to the other side, and Lipski soon found himself being pushed by his master's coffin uncontrollably. Drew slammed into the hull of the ship back first, with Dracula's coffin slamming into his midsection with tremendous force. Lipski let out a pitiful moan as he slumped over the coffin and almost passed out.

Dracula opened the lid to his coffin as he sat up and propped his elbow on the top of Lipski's head as he began to think. "Is it too late to use that plane you mentioned?" he asked his servant.

"I'm – afraid so – Master. Owwwww." Lipski moaned.

"Damn it to puss spewing, blood gutting hell." Dracula said in frustration as he stepped out of the coffin, shoving it further into Lipski's torso.

"M-master, where are you going?" Drew asked weakly.

"I always go out for a midnight snack when I can't sleep." The vampire said as he stepped out of the cargo hold and onto the deck.


	2. Looney Party

_Pain in the Neck_

_By FAH3_

All of the fog filled streets London were all abuzz of the events from the recent evening. From the papers that printed the news, all the way to the gossip of the gentlemen's clubs and small markets. Everyone wanted to know more about the strange ship that had sailed in from last night. The rumors and stories varied of course. But the headlines in almost all of the newspapers were screaming,

"_MYSTERIOUS SHIP CRASHES INTO DOCKS! ALL CREW MURDERED!"_

"_DREW LIPSKI, ONLY SURVIVOR AND SUSPECT, DECLARED COMPLETELY INSANE!"_

"_SALE AT WAL-MART! BUY THREE COKE OR DR. PEPPER 12 PACKS, GET THE FOURTH FREE!"_

On the outskirts of London, standing out like a sore thumb in the city's glory, was the Asylum. Housing some of the most mad and crazed people in all of England, their screams of insanity, shouts of torment, and cries of constipation could be heard from miles and miles around. Inside the stone walls and iron bars of the asylum, Dr. Wade Load was strolling through the corridors as he checked on the various inmates and the progress of their various treatments. But since this was the late nineteenth century and treatment was equal to torture, it was safe to say that all the inmates were feeling pretty shitty at this point. However, Wade's mood was bright today. After his rounds were over, he would be going to the home of Miss Sheila Go. He was in the process of courting, or dating as we would call it, and hoping to eventually win her hand in marriage.

"Good morning, Dr." his assistant said as he stepped out of his office to look at some of the new arrivals to the asylum.

"Good morning to you too. Lovely day, isn't it?" Wade asked cheerfully.

"Someone's in a good mood. I take it all is well?" the assistant asked.

"All is very well. After I'm done here, I'll be paying a visit to Miss Go." Wade said with a smile.

"Ah, Miss Go." The assistant said with a smile as memories flushed into his mind. "She's a real wildcat in the sack."

"Did you say something?" Wade asked, not paying attention.

"Ah – nothing important." The assistant said with a nervous laugh, realizing he had almost slipped up. "Shall we get started?"

"Indeed. So what's wrong with this one?" Wade asked as they came to the first cell, containing a seven and a half foot tall man in a military uniform and a hand in his shirt.

"He thinks he's Napoleon."

"Viva la France!" the inmate shouted in a Tennessee accent.

"Orders, sir?" the assistant asked.

"Hmm. Give him an enema." Wade said as he began to move on.

"You've got it." The assistant said as two orderlies opened the cell and entered with a hot water bottle and some rubber tubing. A few minutes later, everyone could hear the inmate screaming "WHOOO!"

"And this one?" Wade asked when he noticed the cell door was completely solid with only one little view port in it.

"This one thinks they're Lady Godiva."

"Oh really?" Wade asked with a smirk on his face and looked through the view port. After doing so, Wade instantly recoiled in horror. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME IT WAS A MAN?" Wade demanded.

"You didn't ask." The assistant replied.

"Hiya, sweetheart." The nude man said as he smirked and winked at Wade through the view port.

"Give that one electro-shock therapy." Wade said and moved onward, ignoring the electric buzzing and smell of burned pork behind him.

"So what's the story on this poor soul?" Wade asked.

"That's Pee-Wee Herman, sir."

"He thinks he's Pee-Wee Herman?"

"No, sir. That really is Pee-Wee Herman." The assistant told him, causing both of them to cautiously look into the cell.

"I know you are, but what am I?" the skinny, loud, obnoxious man in the gray suit and red bow tie said.

"Oh Dear Lord!" Wade said, trying to think of what to do with the man. "Give him a lobotomy at once!"

"Hey! New guy! You're up!" the assistant shouted. Within moments, and orderly wearing a black cape, mask, and hat arrived while holding a large acoustic guitar. As he charged into the cell, the halls were filled with the orderly shouting "EL CABONG!" before the very loud shattering of a virgin acoustic guitar against a human skull.

"Whom is in this one?" Wade asked as he noticed a once vacant cell was now locked closed. Obviously, that meant they had just received a new inmate recently.

"Oh, the new guy. Mr. Drew Lipski. He was the survivor of that ship that crashed into the docks."

"Why was he brought here?" Wade asked.

"He was ranting about some master when they found him."

"Oh, no. Not another Jehovah's Witness." Wade groaned to himself.

"Actually, he says it's some count – something or other. I can't remember the rest." The assistant said.

"Really?" Wade said as his interest began to peak. If Wade played his cards right, he might have a subject to write about and get him the hell out of this looney bin. "I think I'll have a chat with him." Wade said.

"It's your funeral, doc." The assistant said as he unlocked the cell door and opened it.

As Wade stepped in, the first thing he noticed was that, despite the dirty clothes he was wearing, Mr. Lipski looked rather normal. Despite the pale blue skin, he was sitting quietly on the cot and reading a newspaper. Wait a minute. How the hell did he get a copy of the paper?

"Mr. Lipski? I'm Dr. Wade Load, I'm in charge of the asylum." Wade said.

"I was hoping to see someone in charge. There has been a terrible mix up." Lipski said as he folded the paper and set it beside him as Wade sat in the chair that was next to the door. Wait, how the hell did the chair get in here? That's what he got for hiring the staff from the damn Hilton Hotel down the street.

"Well, that's what I'm here to decide. Let's have a small talk shall we?"

"Of course." Drew said with a smile. Soon, his eyes caught sight of a small fly that began to buzz around his head. With what seemed to be with the speed of a striking rattle snake, Drew's arm shot out and smashed the small insect against the wall and crushed it.

"What was that?" Wade asked.

"Just swatting a fly." Drakken said as he looked at the bug's remains on his palm.

"Oh, okay." Wade said as he began to search himself. "Where are my glasses?" he asked as he heard a loud slurping sound. As soon as he looked back up, he could have almost sworn he had seen Drakken licking his palm. "Did you just lick that dead fly off your hand?" Wade asked him.

"Of course not." Drew said as he used his hand to try and make part of his hair lay flat. "No one would give me a comb, so I have to improvise."

"I guess that makes sense." Wade said as he found his glasses and placed them on his face. "Oh, look. A little cricket." Wade said as he looked at the barred window behind Lipdski's head.

"Oh, really?" Drew said as he noticed the chirping bug as a devilish smile appeared on his face. "LOOK! A werewolf!" Drew shouted as he pointed out into the empty hall.

"Where a wolf?" Wade asked as he turned to look. "I don't see," Wade said as he turned back around and swore he saw something pressing against Drew's cheek. Something that sounded just like the cricket that was now missing from Lipski's window!

"You ate the cricket!" Wade said.

"No." Drew mumbled, trying to keep his moth shut.

"Yes you did! You ate him!"

"I did not!"

"Yes, you did! I can hear him inside your mouth!" Wade said.

Lipski quickly snapped his jaw shut, giving off the sound of a loud crunch as the cricket's chirping was silenced. "I don't hear anything." Lipski said as he swallowed.

"You are sick!" Wade shouted.

"That's rather rude of you. If were not going to talk, I'm going to eat my lunch." Drew said as he removed a plate from under his bed that was covered with several squashed roaches.

"I think I'm going to vomit!" Wade said as his face began to turn a shade of green as he stumbled out of Drew's cell and slammed the door closed.

"I wonder what his problem is?" Drew asked himself as he popped a dead roach into his mouth.

"That man is wrong sick in the head!" Wade said as he did his best to keep his last meal in his stomach.

"Any orders for this one, sir?" the assistant asked him.

"Duct Tape his mouth shut. I have to make my way to see Miss Go." Wade said and began to walk back towards his office.

"Say hello to Miss Go for me." The assistant said and mentally kicked himself again for another Freudian Slip.

"Do what?" Wade asked him.

"Um – never mind."

**

* * *

**

The Home of the Go Family

All the upper crust of London society were inside the lavish and beautifully decorated ballroom of the Go family Mansion. There were so many stiff people here, one would think a vat of starch was dumped into the water supply. While the man throwing the party, Sheila Go's older brother Henry Go, was rubbing elbows with what was known as old money, Sheila herself was standing in a corner. In her right hand was a glass of red wine while her free hand toyed with a tassel on her lavish black and jade dress. Green eye shadow made her jade eyes almost glow in the light of the several gas lamps while black lipstick accentuated her natural lush and full lips. And her hair was braided and styled to sit on top of her head, almost looking like a small bee hive. On her face was a look of complete and sheer, utter boredom.

"Sheila!" a voice rang out, catching her attention. When she saw the voice's owner making way toward her, a small smile crossed her face. Her old friend Kimberly Anne Possible had finally arrived.

Her and Kim had been friends for years, but they also couldn't deny that there was also a small rivalry between them. In some way, there were almost equals. But they had to find some way to see who was better. Of course, the rivalry got so nerve wracking that both wondered if it could be settled just by having a fist fight.

"Kim, I'm so glad you made it." Sheila said as she and Kim gave each other a hug, and noticed the elegant blue dress Kim wore with a sky blue sash around her waist. She also couldn't help but notice that their hair was almost identical in style and shape. Rare and one of a kind hair style her ass!

"It's a lovely party, Sheila. I'm having a wonderful time." Kim said to her.

"I'm glad someone is having fun." Sheila sighed to herself.

"What's wrong?" Kimberly asked, concerned at her friend's attitude.

"I'm just a little sad because I didn't get to spike the punch." Sheila said.

"Honestly, Sheila. Do you remember the last time you did that?" Kimberly asked her.

"Oh, yes." Sheila said as a large smile graced her face. "I just wish I kept those topless pictures of you." She said to herself.

"What was that?" Kim asked her.

"Um – who's the young man that came with you?" Sheila asked her, hoping she had brought a date with her.

"Oh. He's over by the buffet table." Kim said and pointed to a young blonde man that had what appeared to be a naked mole rat peeking out of his pocket.

"Spotted dick, sir?" the servant asked as they uncovered a dish full of food.

"Are you trying to say I have the clap?" the young man asked.

"Ronald Stoppable?" Sheila asked her. "I thought you two were just friends."

"We are!" Kim said and saw the smirk Sheila had. "Is it that obvious?"

"What do you think?" Sheila asked and snickered as her friend began to blush even more.

"PRESENTING DR. WADE LOAD, Ph.D." the servant beside the ballroom entrance announced as the portly young man made his way to the two young women.

"Wade, you made it!" Sheila said, slightly surprised to see the young man. _"I thought I told that idiot maid not to mail an invitation to that stalker!"_ Sheila thought to herself.

"I wouldn't miss my girl's party, would I?" he asked as he hugged Sheila and gave a chased kiss on the cheek. "You look lovely as ever, Kimberly."

"Thanks, Wade." Kim said.

"Sheila, I need to ask you something very important." Wade said to the older young woman.

"You know you can ask me anything." Sheila said.

"I hate to bring this up now, but; are you cheating on me?" Wade asked her, causing both Sheila and Kimberly to gasp.

"Why would you ask me that?" Sheila asked him.

"The other day, I thought I saw that Texan, Quincy Morris, and the banker, Mr. Holmwood, leaving your room."

"They just came over for to talk was all." Sheila said.

"In their underwear?" Wade asked her.

"They – fell in the mud. So I had to have their clothes cleaned." Sheila answered.

"Fell in the mud?"

"Yes."

"Even though it hasn't rained in days?"

"Yes?" Sheila asked.

"Hmm. It works for me." Wade said.

As the group of friends chatted to each other, Sheila's brother stood in front of the small orchestra and began tapping his empty wine glass with a spoon to get everyone's attention.

"Attention! Attention everyone!" Henry said loudly, with everyone turning toward him and forcing the band to stop playing.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to thank everyone for coming here tonight. The reason I have gathered you all hear is to share some wonderful news. I have learned that Mr. Arthur Holmwood has just asked for my sister's hand in marriage. And it is my very proud honor to tell all of you that she has accepted!" Henry announced, resulting in the crowd to clap in congratulations as Sheila began to blush.

"Sheila, I am so proud of you. I thought I would never live to see you as a blushing virgin bride."

"BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT!" most of the crowd coughed at once.

"Let the celebration continue!" Henry shouted as the band began playing again.

"Sheila, are you sure you're not cheating on me?" Wade asked her.

"For the last time, Wade. No, I'm not." Sheila said to him.

"Sheila, who's that?" Kim asked as she saw someone in the crowd.

"Who?" Sheila asked her.

"The man in the strange cloak." Kimberly said as she pointed to a tall and rather very pale man with long black hair, goatee, and a rather strange black suit.

"I really don't know. I've never seen him before." Sheila said.

"He kind of looks like a ring master. Maybe the circus is in town?" Ron asked, causing everyone to groan.

"Good afternoon. I hope I'm not interrupting anything." The pale man said as he stepped in front of the four friends. How the hell did he get here that fast?

"Not at all, Mr.?" Sheila asked him.

"Where are my manners? Allow me to introduce myself. I am Count Dracula. But you may call me, Vlad." He said as he grasped Sheila's hand and began to lean down to kiss it.

"Nice to meet you, Vladie." Ron said as he stuck his hand out to shake his, and poked him in the eye.

"That's Count, to you." Dracula said as he straightened himself and rubbed his now sore eye.

"You have a strange accent. Where are you from?" Kimberly asked him.

"Transylvania. I have recently ventured to London to examine some property I just purchased." He said.

"Really? And where might that be?" Kim said and tried to keep her skin from calling as he glanced at her.

"Carfax Abbey."

"I know of that place. It's not too far from the asylum." Wade said cheerfully.

"Carfax Abbey? Why would you want that scary old place?" Sheila asked her strange guest.

"I thought I would try to fix it up. Maybe turn it into a place of business."

"Interesting. Were you thinking of a museum? Or perhaps a Library?" Wade asked him.

"I was thinking along the lines of a blood bank. You never know when someone may need a withdrawal." Dracula said to them.

"That makes sense." Ron said, earning a strange look from his girlfriend.

"If you excuse me, I have some important business to attend to." Dracula said as he bowed and walked away.

"What a strange man." Sheila said.

"That, or he's just weird." Ron said.

* * *

All was dark and still as the full moon hung in the night sky, illuminating Lipski's cell slightly as he slept. As he snored loud enough to wake the dead, a strange mist began to flow from his window and down to the floor below. As more and more of the mist began to enter and rise, a loud fart rung out from Lipski, causing the mist to turn green and sink back down into the floor. Quickly, the mist took shape and solidified into the form of Count Dracula as he pinched his nose and tried not to vomit.

"What the hell have you been eating?" Dracula coughed as he tried not to gag. "Wake up, numb nuts!" Dracula said as he lifted the cot and rolled Drew out of bed.

"I DIDN'T DO IT, MOMMY!" Drew screamed as he hit the floor.

"It's me, stupid." Dracula said as he took a seat in the chair in his cell while Lipski sat on the cot.

"How are you enjoying London so far, Master?" Lipski asked him.

"I went to the party of one Miss Sheila Go tonight." Dracula said to his idiot servant.

"Oh, yes." Drew said with a large smile on his face. "She's a wild cat in the sack."

"Somehow, I've gotten the impression that everyone knows that."

"So? What did you think of her?" Lipski asked him.

"Actually, I was quite captivated by her friend, Kimberly. I have never seen such a beauty like her before." Dracula said in awe.

"But weren't you married before?"

"That was because I got drunk during Spring Break." Dracula said to him. "I think that for the first time in several hundred years, I'm actually falling in love." He said.

"So you plan on visiting Miss Kimberly Anne tonight?" Lipski asked with a sly smile and winked at his master.

"No. I think I'll pay a visit to Miss Go tonight."

"But if you love Kimberly, why visit Miss Go?" Drew asked him.

"Have you seen the rack on that woman? I'd be an idiot to pass that up!" Dracula said as he stood and made his way to the window.

"No offence, Master. But I had gotten the impression that you liked – well – men."

"Lipski, I have lived for countless centuries! I have seen empires rise to greatness and then fall into ruin. I have seen massive armies wipe villages of the face of the Earth, only to be defeated by a single blow!"

"What's your point?"

"I swing both ways."

"Oh, now I really didn't need to know that!" Lipski said as he tried to force the horrible images out of his head.


	3. Sick Day

_Pain in the Neck_

_By FAH3_

It was a beautiful morning with a gentle and cool breeze that was blowing through the trees. Birds were flying while singing their songs while all of London looked alive with its inhabitants going about their business. If you like freaking depressing stiff upper lip dorks that have no sense of humor. Inside the Go family mansion, Henry Go was enjoying his breakfast on the porch in his backyard when a very skinny gentleman with a thick mustache approached him.

"Arthur! How is my future brother-in-law?" he asked as he wiped his mouth with his cloth napkin.

"I'm doing rather well. I was rather hoping I could see Sheila for a moment or two. Or maybe five minutes." Arthur said.

"I'm afraid not, Arthur. Sheila isn't feeling that well at all this morning." Henry said.

"That's terrible." Arthur said. "I just hope it isn't crabs. I just got rid of the last ones."

"What was that?" Henry asked.

"I mean, do you know what's wrong with her?"

"Not yet." Henry said as he stood to his feet.

"Good Morning, Henry. Mr. Holmwood." Wade said as he entered the yard and walked straight into the house.

"Morning, Wade." Henry said as Wade closed the patio door.

"Now, wait just a minute!" Arthur said as his face became flushed. "I'm not allowed to see my own fiancé for a booty call, b-but you'll let that shyster just walk in there?" Arthur demanded. That's was when a very angry Wade stuck his head out the door.

"Sir, I'll have you know that I can sue you for that! A shyster is a crooked lawyer. I'm a quack!" Wade said and slammed the door closed.

* * *

Wade opened the door to Sheila's room and stepped inside as quietly as he could so he wouldn't wake her. As he closed the door, he couldn't help but admire her sleeping form. Even asleep and without the make up, she almost seemed to be a living porcelain doll. He couldn't help but smile at her.

"My dear Sheila, you look like an angel." He said. Sadly, that was before she let one rip from under the covers. "But you smell like hell." Wade said as he began to cough and his eyes water.

"What?" Sheila asked as she began to wake up. "Wade! W-what are you doing here?"

"Your brother sent me a message, saying you were ill. He asked me to come by and take a look at you." Wade said as he set down his bag and removed his stethoscope.

"That was sweet of him." Sheila said. _"Remind to castrate the wind bag for inviting my stalker over."_ She thought to herself as Wade listened to her heart beat. "Anything I should be worried about?" she asked him.

"Your heart is beating normally, and your lungs sound clear. I'm not sure – what's this?" he said as he noticed something on her neck.

"What is it?" she asked him.

"There's a mark on your neck. If I didn't know any better . . . I would almost swear that it was a hickey. But I know it can't be that since we haven't gotten that serious yet." Wade said with a chuckle.

"Sure . . . let's go with that." Sheila said as she looked to the side.

"For now, just stay in bed and drink plenty of fluids. I'll be back later on to check on you." Wade said as he closed his bag and walked toward the door.

"Thank you, Wade." Sheila said as he closed the door.

"Well, how is she?" Henry asked as Wade ventured into the study where Henry and Arthur were waiting.

"I'm not sure what's wrong with her. It's nothing that I know of, so I'm sending for help from my old mentor from university." Wade said.

"University? Dear Lord man, what is it?" Arthur asked.

"It's a big school where you pay out the ass to learn shit you'll never really need. But that's not important. I just hope Professor VanHelsing can help." Wade said.

* * *

The chatter in the class room was almost deafening because of the small circular space. All the young students were busy whispering secrets or talking about their opinions on God knows what. None of them were paying attention to the table in the center of the classroom that was covered with a white sheet. Soon, the class room doors were closed as a tall man with a finely trimmed goatee entered and stood by the table. He quickly looked at his watch before stuffing it back in his vest pocket and removed his brown jacket and grabbing a white lab coat that was on a near by coat rack.

"Good evening class. If you will all quiet down, we can soon begin." He said, but noticed that the class only grew louder. Quickly popping his neck, the aged professor cleared his throat before facing them once more. "SHUT UP, YOU STUPID RICH BRATS!" he screamed as loud as he could, causing all the students to quickly become silent.

"Thank you." He said as he reached under the cloth-draped table and retrieved a small collapsible table and a then a large case of various instruments that he placed on top of it. "Today, I am going to show you how to perform an autopsy. Since the university has a short supply of animal cadavers, we'll be using some dead schmuk the police found in a ditch." VanHelsing said as he tossed the sheet aside, letting part of it keep the lower portions of the body covered.

With the sheet gone, the students now saw the pale white and stench ridden corpse of a large fat man that smelled worse than leftovers from the turn of the century. It looked as if various places on his body were fixing to begin to rot away before them as his dead and swollen tongue hung out of his mouth. All the students couldn't help but grimace at the grotesque sight before them.

"Now, this man has supposedly died of natural causes. To make sure that this account is true, we must investigate the internal workings of this corpse." VanHelsing said as he took a scalpel into his hand and began cutting into the body's chest. "We start by making an incision into the chest in the shape of a Y. Once we have done that, we have to use a little elbow grease to pull the skin and muscle open to reveal the ribs and internal organs." VanHelsing said as he placed one foot against the table as he pulled and yanked the tissue open, allowing a horrid smell to permeate about the room. Most of the students were beginning to vomit just from the smell alone.

"As you can see, the once healthy pink of the organs has now become a very sickening shade of green." He said as he placed inside the body cavity. "The organs all feel normal and show no sign of harm or anything wrong with them. So we must examine the rest that are behind the ribcage. Now, human bone is thick and usually very difficult to remove. A scalpel is out of the question, so we must use a favorite tool of mine." VanHelsing said as he removed a large chainsaw from underneath the table and began to yank on the pull cord.

"Professor?" one student asked as he stood amongst the mass of vomiting students.

"Yes, what is it?"

"Is it true that your grandfather theorized that dead tissue could be re-animated?"

"For the last time, NEIN! It wasn't my grandfather! It was my weirdo peeping tom of a neighbor! And for the utter last time, HIS RESEARCH WAS PURE DOO-DOO!" VanHelsing shouted and slammed his balled fist on top of the chainsaw.

The chainsaw immediately started from VanHelsing hitting it, slipping away from his grasp and landing in between the corpse's legs and cutting into the sheet and examination table. As the chainsaw finally sputtered to a stop, VanHelsing looked under the sheet that had kept the lower extremities covered and began to look slightly nervous.

"Did I ever tell you the sex of the cadaver?" VanHelsing asked his students, whom all shook their head no. "Then it was a woman! Class dismissed!" VanHelsing shouted.

As the students left, he began trying to loosen the chainsaw from the operating table that had now lodged itself tightly. While the last of the students finally left the large round room, trying not to slip on the various puddles of vomit, Professor VanHelsing's assistant entered with a letter clutched tightly in her hand.

"Professor VanHelsing?"

"What is it? As you can see I'm – very busy." The professor said as he kicked the table and caused the chainsaw to cut further into the table and the corpse.

"An urgent letter just came for you from London. It's from a Dr. Wade Load." She said to him.

"Wade sent me a letter?" the professor asked as he took the letter and began to open it.

"Was he a student, sir?"

"Yes. The lights were on, but no one was home. If you get my meaning." VanHelsing said as he began to read the letter. As he read on, his eyes widened as his face became pale. "Tell the headmaster I'm taking a leave of absence. I must head for England at once!" VanHelsing said as he removed the lab coat and grabbed his normal coat from where he had hung it.

"Surely, you can't be serious!" his assistant said.

"I'm absolutely serious. And don't call me Shirley."

"But, Professor! What are we going to do about the corpse?" his assistant asked as he continued to walk away.

"Put him on ice. We'll save him for Halloween."

* * *

Kimberly Anne Possible did her best to keep a smile on her face as she entered Sheila's room. Her friend had been sick for so long now, and it seemed she was getting worse. Kimberly hoped that this doctor friend of Wade's got here soon. She didn't know how much longer she or the other could stand his neurotic idiocy.

"How are feeling today?" Kim asked her.

"Like crap, as usual." Sheila sighed. "Kim, you're my best friend. Right?" she asked.

"You know I am." Kim said as she took a seat beside Sheila's bed.

"Then tell me the truth. How bad do I look?" Sheila asked and noticed how Kim glanced away. "Kimberly?"

"You promise you won't get angry?" Kim asked her.

"I promise." Sheila said to her.

"In that case, you . . . you look like shit." Kim said to her and felt uncomfortable at the pause that followed.

"Now was that so hard?" Sheila asked with a small smile. "You carpenter's dream." Sheila muttered.

"What?" Kim asked her.

"I called you a carpenter's dream. Flat as a board, and in need of a good screw." Sheila said, causing Kim to gasp in shock.

"Well honey, you're tits aren't the only thing that's big on you. Your ass is as wide as the Titanic!"

"WHY YOU LITTLE -!"

Sheila was quickly cut off as Wade and Ron entered the bedroom with a middle aged man behind him. "Hello again, Sheila. How are you feeling?" Wade asked her.

"What do you think?" Sheila asked him, sick and tired of being nice and sweet all the time. She was sick and pissed as hell. If they didn't like it, tough!

"Sheila, this is my old mentor and teacher, Professor Abraham VanHelsing." Wade said as he stepped aside to let the professor look at Sheila.

"What is he a professor of?" Kimberly asked.

"He's an expert in the fields of rare diseases. Not to mention Psychology and Philosophy." Wade said.

"You forgot Gynecology." VanHelsing said.

"I didn't know you had your hand in that." Wade said.

"If you don't mind?" Sheila asked them.

"Wade tells me you've been feeling ill and having strange dreams?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Very good." VanHelsing said to himself.

"Good? So it's not serious?" Sheila asked them.

"No, it's good because you look like shit. It'd be terrible if you were that ugly all the time." VanHelsing said as Sheila gasped.

"Told you so." Kim said, smiling triumphantly.

"I understand you also have some strange marks on your neck. May I take a look?"

"If you insist." Sheila said as she exposed her neck to the old man, letting him examine her. "I said the neck and not my chest, doc." She said as she noticed where he was looking.

"Sorry." VanHelsing quickly said as he examined her neck. "Someone likes the rough stuff." VanHelsing said as he missed Sheila's deep blush. "If you don't mind, I need to talk to the others for a moment outside. You have nothing to worry about." He said to her as he ushered everyone outside. As soon as the door was closed, he turned to them with a very serious face.

"She's got a lot to worry about." He said to them. "Wade, who has access to this room?"

"Only a few people." Wade said.

"A few?" Van Helsing asked.

"Yes. There's the butler. And the maid. The cook, the Chauffeur, the Gardner, the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker,"

"I get the point! Talk about open for business." VanHelsing said to himself. "We must not allow anyone else in that room besides us."

"Why?" Kim asked him.

"I'm afraid that Miss Shego,"

"That's Sheila in this story." Wade said.

"You say potato – anyway. I'm afraid she is the victim of a Nosferatu." VanHelsing said.

"She's being attacked by an Italian?" Ron asked, earning a small glare from Wade.

"No. She is being attacked by a vampire." VanHelsing said.

"A vampire? Have you seen London in this era? Just about everyone here is as pale a computer hacker. So who in the world could be a vampire?" Ron asked him.

"Count Dracula, sir." The Butler said announced as the tall and pale Romanian entered the house.

"Yeah, he could pull it off." Rom said.

"Stoppable?" Wade asked, trying to get his attention.

"Have you seen the complexion on that guy? I mean, yikes!"

"Ron!" Kim said.

"And not to mention he's so creepy all the time. And – he's right behind me, isn't he?" Ron asked them.

"No, I'm in front of you." The pale man said, causing Ron to jump five feet into the air.

"I'm sorry about – I mean I wasn't trying to – you're scary looking." Ron sputtered.

"I heard about Miss Sheila's condition and was wondering if she was improving." Dracula said politely.

"No change, I'm afraid." Wade said.

""Wade, aren't you going to introduce us?" VanHelsing asked.

"Where are my manners? Count Dracula, this is Professor Abraham VanHelsing." Wade said.

"Dracula, huh?" VanHelsing said as he eyed the rather pale man before him. "By any chance, are you related to Prince Vlad Dracul?" VanHelsing asked him.

"Who?" Kim asked.

"He was a blood thirsty tyrant. He was known for violently impaling his victims and watching them die slowly. In fact, he had a massive garden of impaled prisoners where he ate his meals." VanHelsing.

"My God! How could one man do such a thing?" Kimberly asked in horror.

"They deserved it." Dracula said.

"Deserved it?" Wade asked. "What could they have done to deserve such cruelty?"

"They were jaywalkers." Dracula answered.

"Oh. Then I guess they deserved it." Wade said.

"I hope Miss Sheila feels better soon. I'm sure she is safe in the hands of such – amusing doctors." Dracula said with a small smirk as he turned and left.

"Gentlemen, we must watch Sheila's room closely tonight. No one must go in there until sunrise." VanHelsing said.

"You think her condition is contagious?" Wade asked.

"No, I just think it wouldn't hurt her to keep her legs closed for one night." VanHelsing said.

"We don't fool around that much." Wade said as he walked away to get a drink.

"Miss Possible, does he even,"

"Don't ask." Was all Kimberly said to the middle-aged professor.

* * *

The pale moonlight made everything in the dark room almost glow as Sheila did her best to sleep. The cool breeze that blew in through the open window almost made the curtains look like they were trying to reach for her. As if they wanted to caress her. With out making the slightest noise or sound, Dracula stepped into the dark bedroom and smiled at Sheila's sleeping form. He could see every vein and artery in her body pulse with blood with every heartbeat.

"With one more bight, you shall become a creature like me. But here's hoping you're better company than that damn Lipski. What was I thinking with him?" Dracula asked himself as his fangs extended. He loomed over Sheila like a dark shadow as his mouth began to drool in the anticipation of feeding on her blood. His fangs were fixing to prick the soft flesh of her neck when,

"Sheila? Are you all right?" Henry called from outside.

"Damn it to puss spewing, blood gutting hell!" Dracula cursed to himself as he heard the door open.

"Sheila? Are you all right?" Henry asked as he stepped into the room with an oil lamp clutched in his hand.

"Yes, Henry. I was sleeping." Sheila said as she yawned.

"I thought I heard voices in here."

"Voices? Henry, there's no one else in here." Sheila said.

"I better look around. Just in case." Henry said as he set the lamp on a dresser and began to search the room.

Laying against the ceiling, Dracula lightly chuckled to himself as he watched Sheila's brother look about the room. No matter how many times he did this, he always found it amusing.

"Stupid humans. They never think to look up." Dracula said to himself.

"Everything seems to be in order. Good night, Sheila." Henry said as he grasped the lamp.

"Careful, Henry. That door doesn't close all they way." Sheila said as she stretched out in her bed.

"Don't worry. I'll give it a good slam." Henry said.

"Oh shit!" Dracula said.

As soon as the door slammed home, the vibrations sent Dracula falling to the floor face first with a loud thud. Slowly, the ancient vampire rose as he popped his joints back into place as he spit out pieces of the carpet.

"When I said I liked to lick carpet, I didn't mean it literally!" he said to himself as he stood and popped his spine back into place. "Where was I? Now I remember. I was in the middle of brunch." He said as he walked back over to Sheila's sleeping form.

"Now you will be mine, forever!" Dracula said as he loomed over once more.

"Not yet I'm not." Sheila said seductively as she grabbed Dracula by his cloak and pulled him down toward the bed with her.

"Careful. That's bruised!"


	4. In The Garden of Good and Evil

_Pain in the Neck_

_By FAH3_

It was a very cloudy and dreary afternoon as the sounds of bagpipes playing Amazing Grace filled the air at the Go family mansion. Only an hour ago, Henry Go had just buried his beloved sister, Sheila, after suffering from an unknown illness foe several days. Now all her friends were sitting in the living room as grief continued to weigh on everyone's hearts. But for some strange reason, it seemed most of Sheila's friends were over half the male population of London.

"I can't believe Sheila's actually gone." Kimberly Anne Possible wept as her friend and fiancé, Ronald Stoppable, tried his best to comfort her.

"It was a lovely service, though. Wasn't it?" Henry asked as he did his best to keep his crying down to a minimum.

"Yes, it really was." Arthur said as he looked at a portrait of his late fiancé. "Now where the hell am I going to go for a booty call?" Arthur said to himself.

"Amen." Most of the men in the room said to what Arthur had just said.

"Sheila did look like an angel." Ron said, making everyone smile for just a moment. "A dead angel." He added, causing everyone to groan in annoyance.

"Wade? Could I see you alone for a minute?" Professor VanHelsing asked his former student.

"Of course." Wade said as he and his old mentor stepped into an occupied portion of the house. "What do you need to talk about?"

"Wade, we have to keep an eye on Sheila's tomb tonight. She has now become a vampire, and could rise at any time." VanHelsing said to him.

"That is it!" Wade said in frustration. "Professor, I am sick and tired of these ridiculous vampire theories of yours! Just what makes you such an expert on them in the first place?" Wade demanded.

"For your information, I spent several years in the presence of a life sucking monster that was determined to do nothing but make my life a complete, and total, living hell."

"You have?" Wade asked.

"Yes. It's called a wife! Now excuse em, I must think." VanHelsing said as he began to walk away.

"Is that think, or drink?" Wade asked.

"YES!"

* * *

It was nearly midnight in the garden of good and evil. The only living person present amongst the various crypts and tombstones was an old grave digger, tirelessly working on a new grave for a funeral tomorrow morning. He stopped for a moment as he wiped the sweat from his brow and looked at the Go family crypt.

"It really is such a shame to bury one that was so young. Not to mention she was such a wildcat in the sack." The grave digger said with a smile before it turned into a frown. "Damn it! Now where am I going to go for a booty call when I need one!" he said to himself as he went back top work. He continued to dig deeper into the cold and damp ground until he stopped once more. For a moment, he could have sworn that he heard tapping.

"Is someone there?" he asked, holding his lantern up. "Is anyone out there?" he asked loudly.

"_Help me."_ Said a voice, but he could barley hear it.

"My ears must be playing tricks on me in my old age." The old man said as he began to lower his lantern.

"_The hell they are! GET ME OUT OF HERE!"_ the voice said louder.

"I really did hear that! But it's coming from the . . . Go crypt? Dear Lord, they buried her alive! AND I HAVEN'T BEEN LAID IN A WEEK!" the old man said as he scrambled out of the hole in the ground and ran as fast as he could to the family crypt. With all his strength, and the thought of finally having sex again, he pulled the heavy stone door open and saw a slightly pale Sheila Go standing in the entrance. "Are you all right, Miss?" he asked her.

"Oh, yes." She said with a smile before she grabbed the grave digger by the back of his neck and bit into the side of his neck.

"Wow! What a . . . woman." The gravedigger said with a smile before he dropped dead.

"I'm feeling so much better now." She said as she licked the fresh blood off of her lips. "It tastes just like Hawaiian Punch." She said with a smile before she heard the sound of footsteps approaching. "I better hide." She said, not wanting to take any chances of being found out.

A few moments later, Ronald Stoppable appeared with a bouquet of flowers in his hand. He hadn't really been able to give his respects at the funeral since he had been trying to comfort Kimberly. So he thought now would be as good a time as ever. He was confused at seeing the door to the crypt open, but he thought that maybe Henry had a few more things to take care of before having it closed.

"Poor Sheila." Ron began. "Kimberly misses you such much, and you were such a nice person. Sometimes. And you had such a great looking ass. I mean, wow!" Ron said.

"It's nice to know that someone noticed." Sheila said as she emerged from her hiding spot, with only the basics of her once elegant dress covering her.

"Holy jumped up, bald headed, Jesus Palomino!" Ron said as he stumbled backwards against the trunk of a tree. "Sh-Sheila?" Ron asked.

"I was always curious about something, Ron. Does Kimberly treat you right?" Sheila asked as she walked toward him, making sure that her dress exposed as much cleavage as possible.

"W-what do you mean?" Ron asked, terrified at the fact that hos fiancé's dead friend was in front of him.

"I mean, has Kimberly ever put out?" she asked.

"Actually, s-she wants to wait until we're married before we try anything." Ron said as Sheila was almost pressing herself into him.

"Leaving you the pathetic virgin?" Sheila asked with a chuckle. "You know, all you had to do was ask me and I would have helped you with your . . . problem." Sheila whispered into his ear sensually as she firmly grabbed him by the crotch, causing the young man to gasp.

"Sh-Sheila? I-I don't t-think we should be doing this." Ron said as he breathing began to quicken.

"Why? Don't you like it?" Sheila asked as she nibbled on his ear and started rubbing him in between his legs.

"I-it's not . . . not that. It's j-just wrong." Ron said as his breathing became ragged. "It . . . it's just . . . oh, to hell with it! WRONG ME! WRONG ME! WRONG MY BRAINS OUT!" Ron shouted as he began to enjoy Sheila's actions.

"Here's something you won't forget." Sheila said with a smile as her fangs began to extend.

"GET CROSSED, BITCH!" VanHelsing shouted as he lept from the bushes and shoved a crucifix into Sheila's face! The undead vixen hissed at the religious icon as she leapt backward from a now very dazed and confused Ronald Stoppable. "BACK! Back to the pit from which you came! This is one man you won't rope into alimony payments!" VanHelsing shouted.

"This isn't over with, you old goat!" Sheila shouted before running back into the crypt.

"Stoppable, are you all right?" VanHelsing asked the young man.

"DUDE!" Ron shouted as he decked VanHelsing in the face.

"Wow. That actually hurt." VanHelsing said as he rubbed his now sore jaw.

"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?" Ron shouted, upset that the action he thought he was fixing to get was so rudely interrupted.

"I just saved your life. That wasn't the Sheila you once knew. She has become a creature of the night." VanHelsing said.

"She's a prostitute?"

"No, you moron. She's a blood sucker."

"Oh my God! You mean she's a lawyer?"

VanHelsing merley groaned in frustration as he grabbed Ronald by the arm and drug him to the crypt's entrance. "Ronald, look there!" VanHelsing said as he pointed to the dead grave digger and the mrk on his neck. "You see that? Sheila did that to him."

"No way! She gave a dead guy a hickey?" Ron asked.

"Of all the! Come on, moron! We've got work to do!" VanHelsing said as he marched into the crypt and took Ronald with him.

Inside the dank crypt, VanHelsing quickly lit several torches and revealed Sheila sleeping soundly inside her coffin with the giant stone slab tossed aside like it had been made out of cardboard. VanHelsing was quickly looking through his bag for what he needed while Ronald merely looked at her in shock. It was like she was both dead and alive at the same time.

"I could almost swear she was asleep." Ron said to himself.

"She's at her most vulnerable. Now we can set her free by driving a stake through her heart." VanHelsing said.

"Do what? Professor, there has to be some other way!" Ron said to him.

"Well," VanHelsing said as he thought about it. "We could cut off her head, stuff her mouth wit garlic, cut out her heart, and burn it." VanHelsing said to him.

"Stake through the heart you said?" Ron asked him.

"Yes. Now, get to work." VanHelsing said as he gave Ron a sharpened stake and large wooden mallet.

"ME? Why me?"

"Because only someone who loved her in life can do it." VanHelsing said.

"But I didn't love her. I just wanted to have sex with her."

"Close enough." VanHelsing said as he took a few steps back.

"What are you doing?" Ron asked him.

"There's bound to be a little splashback."

"Splashback?" Ron whimpered as he began to pale.

"Just a little. Now place the steak over the heart and hit it as hard as you can."

"I can't believe I'm doing this." Ron whimpered to himself as he did as he was told.

"On the count of three. One, two, three!"

Ron struck the steak with the mallet fast and hard, sinking the steak into the body and was rewarded with a steady stream of warm blood hitting him in the face for about five seconds.

"Oh – my – GOD!" Ron shouted as he wiped the crimson fluid away from his eyes. "T-there's so much blood!"

"What do you expect? She just ate." VanHelsing said as Ron looked into the coffin.

"Professor! She's still alive!" Ron said.

"What?" VanHelsing shouted as he walked back to the coffin. "That should have," VanHelsing stopped talking as he got a good look at Sheila's body inside the coffin. "Stoppable, you moron! You staked her through the crotch!" VanHelsing said.

"But why was there so much blood?" Ron asked him.

"You staked _her_ through the _crotch_. Think about it for a minute." VanHelsing said as watched as Ron's face became appalled.

"OH MY GOD! SOMEONE GET ME A TAMPON, QUICK!" Ron screamed.

"No time." VanHelsing said as he yanked the stake out and gave it back to Ronald. "This time, over the heart." The old Professor said as he walked to the other side of the crypt.

"Why are you walking over there?" Ron asked him.

"After that first time? I'm not going to pay out the ass to get this suit cleaned."

"Damn you, old man." Ron mumbled to himself.

"On the count of three. Ready? Three!" VanHelsing said as Ron struck the steak as hard as he could.

As soon as the steak pierced her ribs, a large spurt of blood squirted Ron in the face as Sheila let out a death gasp. Ron did his best to hold his breath as the blood continued to squirt all over him for five seconds until it slowed and stopped.

"I think she's" Ron said, but stopped as another spurt began to hit him for another five seconds.

"Okay. I think," he said before another, shorter spurt hit him again. After it stopped, he kept an eye on the corpse for a minute before turning to face the Professor again.

"Okay. Now I'm sure she's," Ron didn't even get to finish before an even larger spurt erupted and hit him in the head for almost thirty seconds before a very frustrated Ron looked at the dead corpse.

"WOULD YOU HURRY UP AND JUST FREAKING DIE ALREADY?" Ron shouted as he hit the steak several more times. With one last blow, an enormous geyser of blood erupted from Sheila's body. The geyser completely soaked every inch of red blood and part of the crypt's walls and floor's as well while VanHelsing hid behind a pillar and remained dry. After a minute of horrific blood gushing, it finally stopped and left a whimpering Ron standing in place as VanHelsing came out from his hiding place to look at Sheila.

"Unclean. Unclean." Ron whimpered.

"I don't know. Maybe one more," VanHelsing was about to say before Ron grabbed him by the collar and brought him nose to nose with himself.

"She's dead enough!" Ron said as he threw the hammer away and let the old Professor go. "Is she at peace now?"

"Yes. She's at peace, Ron. She's now giving a booty call to the angels." VanHelsing said.

"Lucky stiffs." Ron said.

* * *

For the time being, Kimberly and Wade had been staying at the Go mansion to keep Henry company and try to help him with loosing his sister. But after Ronald had left and VanHelsing disappeared, they had begun to grow rather worried. It was now the early morning hours, and they still hadn't come back. Kimberly had been searching the large grounds for almost an hour when they met back at the main entrance of the mansion, both out of breath.

"Anything, Wade?" Kimberly asked him.

"I didn't find any sign of them." Wade said.

"It's been hours. Where can they be?" Kimberly asked, on the verge of tears again.

"Wait a moment. There they are!" Wade said as he saw both Ronald and VanHelsing coming down the road and through the main gate. Quickly, he and Kimberly rushed to meet them. "Where have you two been? We . . . what happened to you, Ron? You look like you've been swimming in Hawaiian Punch."

"Don't even ask, quacker boy." Ron growled as he tried to wipe some of the drying blood off of him. "Let's just say that the Professor was right."

"I know he was right, Ronald." Wade said.

"Oh? Now you believe me?" VanHelsing asked them.

"Yes. _We_ do." Wade said.

"We?" VanHelsing asked.

"Let's just say that I have a pain in the neck." Kimberly said as she brushed her red hair aside, and lowered the collar of her dress to reveal two puncture marks on her neck.

"My God!" VanHelsing said in shock. "This can only mean one thing."

"Yeah." Ron said. "Sheila gave her a hickey too! KP, how come you couldn't let me watch?"

"For crying out loud." VanHelsing groaned to himself. "It means that the vampire is now after Miss Possible. We must find a place to hide Miss Kimberly. Some place where the vampire wouldn't think to look for her." VanHelsing said.

"What about the Asylum, Professor? You have to admit that only a lunatic would try to break _in_ to a nut house." Wade said to his mentor.

"Wade, that's crazy. So crazy, that it just might work." VanHelsing said.


	5. Too Many Nuts in the Nut House

_Pain in the Neck_

_By FAH3_

Even though Wade's private office had the look and feel of a hotel and was equipped as such, Kimberly still couldn't relax at the fact that they were inside the third story of Carfax Asylum. The door had several bolts and chains, as well as a lock that only Wade had the key to. But that still didn't ease the fact that outside the office, there were enough lunatics and mad men to make the asylum look like the Manson Family Christmas Special if they broke out.

"Are you sure I'll be safe in here, Wade?" Kimberly asked as she set her bags down.

"Of course you will. This is the safest place to be in the entire asylum."

"Thank God." Kimberly whispered to herself.

"Unless one of the inmates were to escape and break down that door to have their wicked way with you. Of course, that would be after they've subjected you to such horrors that the very thought of it would make you pee all over yourself." Wade said to her.

"I think I'd feel safer with the vampire." Kimberly said before her nose picked up a rather strange odor. "Wade, what's that smell?" she asked.

"That's only Ronald and myself." VanHelsing said as he and Ron entered the room with several boxes.

"My God, Professor! What have you two been eating?" Wade asked them.

"It's only garlic, dipstick. It'll keep Miss Kimberly safe." VanHelsing said as he and Ronald opened the garlic and began hanging wreaths of garlic all about the room.

"What good is garlic going to keep me safe?" Kim asked him.

"Have you ever smelled someone's breath after they eat this stuff? WHEW! It smells worse than the dead beat's I have to cut open. If this doesn't curl a vampire's nose hairs, I don't know what will." VanHelsing said as he and Ron hung the last few wreaths around the bed. "That should do it." The Professor said to himself.

"Maybe I should stay with KP. You know, just to keep her safe." Ron said.

"I already told you, Ron. You're not getting anything until we're married. Not to mention I'm still angry at you for getting it on with my best friend." Kimberly said to him.

"She came on to me, Kim! And she was dead, that doesn't count!"

"She was still alive in some form, so it does count!"

"But,"

"Not until we're married. Got it?" Kim asked him. Out of pure desperation, Ron quickly ran to the door of the private office and shouted as loudly as he could,

"Are any of you nut jobs a priest?"

"Does Klingon count?" one inmate asked.

"Sure, why not?"

"**I AM!**" most of the inmates shouted.

"That's what I get for having an office in the Gene Rodenberry memorial wing." Wade groaned to himself.

"Get your head out of the gutter, Stoppable." VanHelsing said as he grabbed Ron's ear, causing him to shout in pain. "You're going to help us look for that vampire's hiding spot, and you're going to like it!" VanHelsing said as he pulled Ron out of the office with Wade closing and locking the door behind them.

"And he wonders why Disney made me the hero in our show?" Kim asked herself as she began to get ready for bed.

* * *

Night had fallen and the light of the new moon bathed everything in a pale glow. As the others kept guard of Wade's office, Kimberly slept peacefully and quietly inside. Outside the closed window, and small and strange bat kept circling the window. It was almost as if it was trying to glimpse inside the office with each pass. Soon, the form of the bat began to shift and change until the tall and pale form of Dracula floated in its place. A broad smile crossed his face, revealing his extended fangs as he effortlessly opened the window and gazed inside.

"I love it when they bring me take out service." He said with a chuckle as he began to step inside. "Now you will," he said before a rather pungent smell crossed his nostrils, causing a sickened frown to form on his face. "Oh, damn! What the hell died in here?" he said before he saw what was hung around Kimberly's bed before stepping back outside and slamming the window closed.

"GARLIC! I HATE GARLIC! EVEN WITH PASTA!" the ancient vampire shouted as he kept snorting in an effort to rid himself of the obnoxious smell. "Great! Now how am I going to get in there?" he asked himself as he began to think. However, he began to frown even more so when he realized he only had one answer to his dilemma.

"Oh, come on! Do I really have to use him? Can't you write something else?"

You're the one that made him your servant, buddy.

"BECAUSE YOU WROTE IT!"

Don't blame me for having bad taste.

"But there's got to be another way. Anyone besides him."

Dracula, allow me tell you something my father always said to me in situations like this. Tough shit.

"Asshole."

I read that!

* * *

Sounding like a mouse on steroids, Lipski was sound asleep inside his cell. As he slept, he was unaware of the strange green fog that rolled into his cell through the window. Soon, the fog took shape and solidified into the form of his master as he flipped the writer off. Wait a minute. You're flipping me off?

"Like you said, tough shit." The vampire said before turning back to the sleeping form of Lipski. "Wake up, fat boy! Time to earn your keep." Dracula said as he kicked Lipski out of the bed.

"Who dat? Who dere?" Lipski said with a start.

"It's me, stupid." Dracula said as Lipski got to his feet.

"Why, hello Master. How's the wanton sailor in a cape?" Lipski asked, acting as if he was insulted.

"Say what?"

"I haven't heard from you in days! You never write and you never call. What am I to you? Some pet?" Drakken asked him.

"If I wanted a pet, I would've gotten something smarter. Now listen up, numb nuts. Kimberly is in Dr. Load's private office. I need you to go in and take down the garlic those fools have placed in there." Dracula said to him.

"Give me one good reason why I should help you?" Lipski asked him.

"If you don't, I'll tell everyone that you like to watch that singing purple dinosaur." Dracula growled.

"That's a good enough reason all right." Lipski said. "Don't worry, Master. I'll have the job done in a OOF!" Lipski said as he ran into his cell door face first.

"Couldn't you wait for me to open the door first?" Dracula asked him. "Why is it when everyone feasts on the pleasures of life, I get stuck with the indigestion?" Dracula asked himself as he opened the door.

* * *

Kimberly was still sleeping soundly as the office window opened one more time. On the other side, Dracula was floating outside of it while he held Lipski by the scruff of his shirt.

"Remember. Just take down the garlic." Dracula said to him.

"Don't worry, Master. It's as simple as – AAGGHH!" Lipski shouted as he tripped over the window seal and fell to the floor.

"Just hurry up, schmuk." Dracula said and floated away from the window.

"Would it hurt him to just say thank you even once and a while?" Drew asked himself as he began removing the wreaths of garlic and placed them around his neck like they were a necklace. "I wonder why he doesn't like this stuff so much." Drew said to himself and took a deep whiff of one of the wreaths. Drew immediately began coughing and did his best not to vomit.

"Oh, dear Lord!" he coughed. "It smells like someone just ripped a volcano out their ass!" he said as he tried to regain his senses. He froze for a moment as he heard Kimberly Anne moan before turning onto her back and continued to sleep.

"That was close. I better get out of here. I wouldn't want to wake her up." Lipski said as he notice some of the bed sheets had ridden up and revealed part of a bare leg.

"Of course, since we're not on Disney anymore, I don't think it would hurt to look under the covers. At least for a moment or two." Lipski said as he grabbed a corner of the sheet and raised them. An excited chuckle began to emerge from him as he continues to look. "Hellllllooooo carrot crotch."

"Huh? What's going on?" Kim asked herself before an ear piercing feminine shriek echoed throughout the entire asylum. Within moments, VanHelsing, Wade, and Ronald burst into the office with three asylum attendants by their side.

"KP! We heard you scream!" Ron said.

"It wasn't me. It was him." Kim said as she pointed to a frightened Lipski, still clutching the sheets as he let out another ear piercing scream.

"Lipski, you pervert! GUARDS!" Wade shouted as the attendants quickly grabbed Lipski by each arm. "Take him away and give him electro-shock therapy at once!" Wade ordered.

"Oh, go ahead and shock me all you want! I can take it!" Lipski shouted in defiance.

"Oh, really?" Wade asked him. "Guards, make him watch educational television instead." Wade said as the guards began to carry him away.

"**NO! NOOOO! I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING! MAMA! I WANT MY MAMA! WAAAAAAAA!**" Lipski screamed as he was drug back to his cell.

"Lipski, you inept twit!" Dracula said to himself as he watched the whole ordeal unfold in front of him. "At least he got rid of enough garlic for me to fly in there as a bat." Dracula said as he transformed and made a B-line for the window.

"Wade, it's beginning to get a little cold in here." Kimberly said as she pulled the covers over herself.

"Then let me close the window for you." Wade said as he slammed the window shut.

"OH SHIT!" the small flying rodent said as he hit the pane of glass face first and slowly slid down it before falling to the ground below.

"Okay. I guess I'll have to sneak in." Dracula said as he returned to his human form. Quickly, the ancient vampire floated back to the window and slowly slid it open after the others had left. He smiled to himself as he began to lean in, right before the window started to fall on top of him.

"My head!" he said as the window fell all the way closed. "My fingers!" he cried as he lost his grip and once more fell into the wet mud and grass. "To hell with this shit!" Dracula said in frustration as he flew back to the window and broke the glass with his bare fist. With a smile of confidence, he entered the room.

"The direct approach never fai – ACH!" he gagged as he felt his cape grow taught and fell to the floor. "Why do I even wear this thing?" he asked himself as he ripped the cape free from a piece of broken glass.

"Who's there?" Kimberly asked as she once again awoke.

"Either go back to sleep, or I'll bring Lipski back in here. And he'll be naked!" Dracula quickly said.

"Yes, sir!" Kim said and instantly fell back asleep.

"Wow. That was easy." Dracula said as he went to Kim and lifted the sleeping beauty into his arms. He was almost to the window when the door was thrown open once again.

"What's going on in here?" Wade demanded.

"By the window! It's Count Dracula!" VanHelsing shouted.

"He's the vampire? I would have never guessed." Ron said.

"What a shock." Wade said sarcastically.

"You stupid human fools!" the vampire chuckled as he made his way toward the window. "Now you will watch as I take the one precious to yoooooouuuuuu!" Dracula said as he tripped over the window seal and fell three stories to the ground below. "I meant to do that!" Dracula shouted as he ran away with Kimberly.

"You're one dead lawyer!" Ron shouted as they all reached the window.

"Lawyer?" Wade asked him.

"The Professor did say he was a bloodsucker." Ron said, causing them both to fight the urge to hit Ron.

"I can't see them, Professor. How are we going to find them?" Wade asked his old mentor.

"Lipski." The professor said.

"Lipski? That pervert?" Wade asked.

"If we let Lipski loose, then he will lead us to Dracula like a puppy to its master." VanHelsing said.

"Where's a puppy?" Ron asked, earning a hard slap upside the head from both Wade and VanHelsing. "Thank you, sir. May I have another?" Ron asked in a daze before he fell to the floor unconscious.

"Come on! We don't have much time." VanHelsing said.

"What about Stoppable?"

"You grab one ham hock, and I'll grab the other." VanHelsing as both he and Wade each grabbed one of Ron's legs and began to drag him with them.


	6. How Do you Like Your Steak?

_Pain in the Neck_

_By FAH3_

Drew Lipski had been dragged away, kicking and screaming, from the private office of Dr. Wade Load and back to his dank and dark cell. Both guards immediately threw him into the cell. Lipski immediately bounced off the wall and crashing onto his cot which broke into pieces as soon as he landed on it and sent it crashing to the cold floor. Lipski groaned from the pain that rocked his body as one of the guards stood over him.

"You pervert! With what you've just done, you're going to stay in here until hell freezes over!" the guard shouted before slamming the cell door closed.

"Well, shit!" Lipski groaned to himself as he sat up and popped his spine back into place. No sooner as he had done so, the guard opened the door and came back in with a cheerful smile on his face.

"Congratulations! You're free to go!" he said.

"Now wait a minute." Lipski said as he stood and popped his neck and gave the guard a very suspicious look. "You said I'd be here until hell froze over."

"It did."

"Oh, yeah? How do you know?"

"Mel Brooks just won an Oscar, and George W. Bush just one a popularity poll." The guard said.

"Holy Shit. There must be a blizzard going on down there." Lipski said.

"So, off you go." The guard said as he grabbed Lipski by the scruff of his shirt and threw him out of his cell, over the guard railing of the platform they were on and sent him tumbling down two stories before landing on an active electro-shock machine that proceeded to give him the jolt of a lifetime.

"You're not hurt, are you?" the guard asked him.

"No problem." Lipski groaned.

* * *

The massive iron gates to Carfax Asylum opened with a loud groan as Drew Lipski was thrown out into the muddy road before slamming closed. Drew proceeded to spit the mud, at least he hoped it was mud, out of his mouth before standing and marching back to the closed gate.

"Now just wait one minute! I at least need to use the phone to call for a ride!" Drew said.

"Sorry, sir. No can do." The guard at the gate said.

"Can I at least go to the bathroom? I might have shit my panties." Drew said.

"No, sir. And I think you mean pants."

"Right, pants." Drew said as he blushed slightly. "Well, how about a drink of water?"

"No."

"Aspirin?"

"No."

"Moist towelet?"

"No, sir."

"Then screw you! And you guys can forget about getting a tip!" Drew said as he turned and began to walk away.

"Hey, wait a minute!" the guard protested.

"FORGET IT!" Drew shouted before marching down the road. As he did so, Wade, VanHelsing, and Ron emerged from the large bush they were hiding in as they watched the disgruntled man storm off.

"He has to be the dumbest man I've ever seen." Wade said.

"And people call me a buffoon." Ron said.

"Come on, you two! We must follow him before we loose sight of him!" VanHelsing said as they began to follow him with the sound of Minnie the Moocher playing in the background. "Ron, turn off that DVD of the Blues Brothers!"

"I don't watch the Blues Brothers." Ron said.

"Then who?"

"Sorry, Professor." Wade said as he closed his portable DVD player.

"Now I know why I hang around dead people so much." VanHelsing grumbled to himself.

* * *

Inside the ruins of Carfax Abbey, a very pissed Dracula was trying to open a closed door with his shoulder at the top of a large stone staircase. Ever since he had moved into the broken down building, he had nothing but trouble with the one door knob, and tonight was no exception. At his feet, Kimberly still lay in a comfortable sleep despite all the profanity her captor kept shouting in Romanian.

"Thousands of years worth of gold, and I could have boughten a hotel. Or at least, a warm barn to sleep in. But NOOOOOOOO! I had to buy a drafty old, condemned monastery! Sometimes, being a vampire just sucks!" Dracula grumbled to himself as he bashed the door open, and dislocated his shoulder at the same time. "This has got to be the worst pain I've ever had to suffer." He moaned to himself.

"Boy, it's as windy as a fart out of Godzilla's ass out there!" Lipski said as he came into the abbey and slammed the front door closed.

"I stand corrected." Dracula said as he popped his shoulder back into place. "Wait a minute. Lipski, how the hell did you get out?" Dracula asked him as Lipski began walking up the large stone staircase.

"Funny you should ask. You see, it turns out," Drew started before a series of loud bangs started coming from the door.

"We're coming, Kimberly!" Wade shouted from the other side of the door.

"Great job on blowing our surprise attack, Wade!" VanHelsing said.

"Is that like a surprise party?" Ron asked.

"Just shut up and break down the damn door!" VanHelsing shouted as Dracula glared at his servant.

"You stupid pile of bat crap! You've lead them right to me!" Dracula growled.

"Oh, I'm sorry master! I have failed you! You must punish me!" Drew said as he groveled at Dracula's feet.

"I don't have time for this." Dracula said as he reached down to pick up Kimberly and found Drew now clinging to his ankle.

"Oh, you must punish me, master! I've been such a bad boy." Drew said while trying to look like a naughty person you'd see in something from the internet.

"Ugh! Now I'm going to be sick." Dracula said as the thought made him turn green in the face.

"Please, master! Break my will!" Drew moaned.

"Oh no, Lipski." Dracula said as a sinister smile crossed his face. "I will break something more precious to you than your will ever be."

"I don't understand." Drew said as he stood up. "What's more precious than AAAGGHHHHHH!" Drew screamed as Dracula grabbed him between his legs and a loud crunch was heard. "OOOOWWWWWW! RIGHT IN THE GOODIE BAG!" Drew screamed in agonizing pain.

"You always wanted to fly, Lipski. NOW FLY!" Dracula shouted as he threw Drew down the stairs. Each step Drew hit was accompanied by one curse or another. As Drew finally came to a stop at the base of the stairs, the front door gave way as the trio of friends entered.

"There's the monster!" VanHelsing shouted as he pointed up the stairs.

"Catch me if you can." Dracula taunted as picked Kimberly and ran through the open door at the top of the stairs and slamming it closed.

"After him!" VanHelsing shouted as he marched up the stairs, stepping on Drew's arm and breaking it in two places. Wade soon followed, stepping on Drew's knee and shattering it. Ron took notice of the pale blue man that was in agonizing pain and knelt down next to him.

"Is there anything I can get you?" he asked him.

"Now that you mention it, can you,"

"STOPPABLE, COME ON!" VanHelsing shouted.

"Coming!" Ron shouted and ran up the stairs, stepping on Drew's crotch with another loud crunch echoing.

"I'll be lucky if I ever have kids." Drew moaned in a very high pitched voice before passing out.

* * *

Dracula made it to the chamber where his coffin was kept, and quickly slammed the door closed. He set Kimberly down as he braced himself against his knees and gasped for air like had just run a marathon that stretched across all of Manhattan.

"Damn. I guess I'm not as spry as I was two-thousand years ago." Dracula said as he wiped the sweat from his brow.

"Huh? What?" Kimberly asked as she began to wake up. "Count Dracula! You're the vampire!" Kimberly said and bolted to her feet as she backed up against a wall.

"Honestly, wasn't it obvious? Even Ronald spotted me before anyone else!" Dracula said.

"You'll never get away with this, you fiend!" Kimberly said to him.

"With those three dim wits following me? You've got to be joking. They couldn't even tie their own shoes without help. Wait a minute. Did I remember to lock that door?" Dracula asked himself.

No sooner had Dracula spoken those words, the door flew open and hit the wall with a loud bang! Also with Kim shouting

"Son of a bitch! My nose!"

"Sorry, KP!" Ron said. "If anyone asks, he did it." Ron said and pointed to Dracula.

"Why you!" Dracula said as he grasped Ron tightly by the throat and lifted him up in the air. "You dare try to frame an immortal such as myself? Do you have any clue how many I've slaughtered just for looking at me cock eyed?" the vampire demanded as he bared his fangs.

"Can I ask you one question?" Ron gasped.

"What is it?" Dracula asked him.

"Can you look at my thumb?" Ron asked as he held up his left hand.

As Dracula looked at the appendage he failed to see the knife Ron had been holding until the young man jabbed it into the vampire's chest! Dracula screamed in pain as he dropped Ronald and began trying to yank the dagger out.

"Jeez, you're dumb." Ron said as he coughed.

"Your time ends now, blood sucker!" VanHelsing said as they walked closer towards Dracula.

"Look," Dracula said as he yanked the dagger out of his chest and let it fall to the floor. "Cant we talk about this? Maybe over a bite to eat?"

"Sure. How do you like your steak?" Ron asked him.

All at once, the trio pounced on top of the ancient immortal. Ron and Wade held his arms down as VanHelsing plunged a sharpened wooden steak into Dracula's chest. Dracula screamed in pain as VanHelsing continued to hammer the steak into the vampire's body as hard as he could until the creature stopped screaming and moving. After a few moments, all three stood to their feet and dusted each other off as they patted each other on the shoulder for a job well done.

"Finally, that monster is finally dead." VanHelsing said.

"Well, what do we do now?" Wade asked them.

"How about we go back to my place? I've got cake and ice cream. Not to mention we could play a game of twister." VanHelsing said.

"Not. So. Fast." Dracula said as he rose to his feet in a fluid motion without having to use any of his limbs.

"WTF?" Both Ron and Wade shouted at the same time.

"I hate texting." VanHelsing said as he groaned to himself.

"I'm afraid," Dracula said as he yanked the steak out of his chest with a high pitched yelp. "It would seem that Mr. Stoppable isn't the only one here with piss poor aim." Dracula said.

"Professor!" Wade shouted at his old mentor.

"I knew I should have gotten these glasses checked!" VanHelsing said to himself.

"Now, all of you shall know the wrath of,"

"Psst!"

"What was that?" Dracula asked as they all tried to find the source of the strange sound.

"Psst! Master! Over here!" an all to familiar voice said from behind a boarded up window.

"Lipski? What in the world are you doing?" Dracula asked him.

"I'm helping you escape. Quick, master. Through here!" Drew said as he began taking down several boards, and revealing the rays of the morning sun.

"Oh, shit! Drew! Don't!" Dracula screamed, but it was too little too late. Drew ripped on key board free that allowed a large ray of sunshine to enter the room and hit Dracula square in the face.

"Does anyone smell ham cooking?" Drew asked.

"THAT'S ME, PENCIL NECK!" Dracula screamed as his skin began to blister. "Lipski, you always were an asshole!" Dracula said before he turned into nothing more into a pile of blackened ash. Everyone couldn't believe their eyes as they just looked at where Dracula had once stood before looking at Drew.

"Oops." Drew said and began to climb into the chamber.

"Is it safe to come out yet?" Kim asked as she stepped out from behind the door that had hit her in the face.

"KP!" Ron said as he ran and held her tightly in his arms. "Kp, I'm sorry about the door. Dracula did it!" Ron said.

"It's okay." Kim said and returned the hug he had given her. "Ron, let's get married. Right now." Kim said to him.

"But what about our family and friends? I thought you wanted a big wedding?" Ron asked.

"Ron, after seeing you fight that vampire, I want to marry you right this moment." Kim said to him.

"Why?" Ron asked her.

"Because the sooner we get married, the sooner we can – get to the honeymoon?" she asked him as Ron's eyes grew wide.

"Y-you mean?"

"Uh-huh." Kim said with a sly grin.

"What are we waiting for?  
Ron asked as he grasped Kim by the hand and both of them ran out of the chamber as fast as possible.

"It's always nice to have a happy ending. Isn't it?" VanHelsing asked Wade.

"Happy ending my ass!" Wade said to his old professor. "Not only is my girlfriend dead, but I think she might have been cheating on me! Now after going through all this crap, all I've got to show for it is a nut house full of lunatics with only Miss Palm and her five daughters to keep me company? SCREW THAT!" Wade said as he began to storm off.

"Wade, where are you going?" VanHelsing asked him.

"I'm going to go pray and get shit-faced." Wade said and left.

VanHelsing stood perplexed at his friends behavior until he heard someone sobbing. Turning around, he saw Lipski crying over the pile of ash that used to be Count Dracula.

"My master, I'm so sorry." Drew said as he continued to bawl.

"Lipski, what's wrong with you? You're a free man now!" VanHelsing said to him.

"I am?" Drew asked the old man.

"Of course. With Dracula dead, you can do what you want now. You don't have to obey anyone's orders anymore."

"By God, you're right!" Drew said as he stood proud. "I am my own man again. Never again will I be someone's lap dog! Thank you, Professor." Drew said to him.

"You're very welcome." VanHelsing said as he began to leave. "Now come along, Lipski."

"Yes, master!" Lipski said and immediately began to follow.

"Does anyone have any sun block? Oy!" a small voice said from the pile of ash.

THE END

* * *

**Author's Note:** Kim Possible is property of Disney, and Dracula is property of Universal Studios. I work with neither, do not own either, and wrote this for fun.


End file.
